Reasons Why You’ll Find Me at Walmart During the Inevitable Zombie Attack

I don’t think Walmart is the greatest thing ever (their produce is awful), but I also don’t think Sam Walton is the antichrist. No matter where you fall on the great Walmart debate, everyone has to admit Walmart is the ideal base camp during the impending zombie apocalypse (and if you don’t believe it’s coming, I say you start by taking a look at the obscure medical experiments that are done today and tell me we won’t create a zombie virus…yeah, I thought so).

ANYWAY, if you are just driving along, minding your own business and start to see the undead walking around and eating people… HEAD TO WALMART. Costco and Sam’s Club are also acceptable, maybe even preferred. Only head to Kmart or Target if you can’t make it to a walmart. Shopping malls are ok, but we’ve all seen Dawn of the Dead.

Even zombies need a little protection from the rain

Why Walmart:

-First, they have EVERYTHING you could ever need. Depending on the number of uninfected, you should be set supply wise for a while. Food, deodorant, a pharmacy, camping supplies, electronics, undies, furniture, booze (maybe), gardening supplies, and if you’re lucky (or from the south) your Walmart sells guns!

Walmarts are generally big cinder block buildings without many windows. Wonderful! Less possible breach points. Stores with all glass windows out front are not safe.

Using the camping and gardening supplies you are able to set up an area on the roof (should be manned at all time) for composting and showers if necessary. Set up your little organic gardens on the roof and you can use those shower bags for camping to collect rain water and shower. You can even use the Brita filters and filter out some nice drinking water.

-I’ve never been in the security area of a Walmart, but I’m assuming they have complete surveillance. Great defense.

Smart People Preparing
Smart People Preparing

Warnings:

Walmart isn’t know for it’s high class, or highly intelligent crowd. This means you could be trapped with stupid people. Either make sure they “run to safety” right in the very beginning, or lay down the law of the land, and keep an eye on them. It’s always the stupid people in the movie that ruin it for everyone.

-Always remember to have a Zombie Preparedness Kit handy at all times.

I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life and/or die in a Walmart, so it’s always good to have another plan. Keep an eye on any media that might still be broadcasting, ie. radios, tv, etc., in case of a safe haven. If you are standing still for weeks or months at a time, the zombies will most likely be drawn to your location by the smell of living flesh, and depending if they’re the kind that actually needs nourishment (as opposed just eating people for fun) they may or may not die out.

Always have a plan, and continue moving if necessary.

0 thoughts on “Reasons Why You’ll Find Me at Walmart During the Inevitable Zombie Attack”

  1. Ok, I’m in. But if I die in a goddam wal-mart I’m going to make it my first priority to be sure you join me amongst the walking dead.

    1. Won’t travel become difficult as the bodies pile up on the roads? Perhaps we should secure some sort of monster truck before the apocalypse begins. Then again, this would likely require a southerly trip while the locals are still able to speak and watch nascar. Arguably, this may be less desireable than joining the horde.
      Maybe a hover-craft or small helicopter would be useful. I can see it now. You, me, and a stink bug flying over Alabama looking for beer.

        1. Very well thought out, my friend. I think the only real option is to move to a state that sells alcohol in their Wal-marts. A pending zombie attack is a good enough reason for me.

  2. Only if the Walmart sells imported beer.

    1. I love imported beer
    2. There’s no guarantee the domestic beer doesn’t have some sort of mutating zombie virus. Look what it does to NASCAR fans!

  3. I couldn’t think of a better– no, wait- ANY other reason.. to go to Walmart. It’s already full of zombie-like creatures anyway!
    Good stuff 😉

    1. Indeed. If only there were an underground super walmart with alcohol, non-perishable groceries, gasoline pumps (to run the generators and fuel the occasional recon mission), water collection ability, security system, zombie-grade weapons, non-conservative book section, underwear, stink bug chow, sewer access, large coffee selection, first-aid supplies, and a self-destruct button. Because when they finally over-run us, I’m taking those bastards with me.
      Unless of course they catch me outside and turn me. Then, as I stated before, I’m coming back inside to eat your brain.

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